The dispensary line is a microcosm of society. Rich and poor, young and old, experienced and terrified — all united by the simple desire to buy legal weed and the shared experience of waiting longer than expected.
After extensive field research (standing in many lines), we've identified the seven characters you'll meet in every dispensary line in America.
1. The First-Timer
Recognizable by their wide eyes and the way they hold their ID like a shield against judgment. They've done 'research' (read two Reddit threads) and are about to ask the budtender 47 questions that all boil down to 'what won't make me freak out?'
They will spend 20 minutes at the counter. They will leave with the mildest thing available. They will text their friend 'I did it!!!' from the parking lot. God bless them.
2. The Regular
Walks in like they own the place. Knows every budtender by name. Has a 'usual.' Will be in and out in 3 minutes because they ordered online ahead of time like an adult.
The Regular represents everything the First-Timer aspires to be. They exude an aura of casual competence that took approximately 50 visits to develop.
3. The Connoisseur
Wants to smell everything. Asks about the terpene profile. Inquires about the grower. Has opinions about curing methods. Will spend 25 minutes at the counter conducting what amounts to a wine tasting.
Everyone behind them in line slowly loses the will to live. The budtender's smile becomes increasingly brittle. The Connoisseur notices none of this because they're asking about the harvest date.
4. The Tourist
Just landed. Still has their luggage. Is buying weed before checking into the hotel because priorities. They will buy the most expensive thing in the store because they're on vacation and 'when in Rome.'
The Tourist takes a photo of themselves in front of the dispensary and posts it with a caption like 'When in Denver!' as if buying legal weed is the equivalent of visiting the Louvre.
5. The Parent on a Break
Arrived in a minivan. Is visibly savoring every second of alone time. Ordered online, picked the express lane, and will be back in the car before the kids notice they're gone.
Do not make small talk with this person. They have 22 minutes before soccer practice pickup and they are USING those 22 minutes.
6. The Dealer Turned Customer
Has complicated feelings about legalization. On one hand, they can buy weed in a nice store now. On the other hand, that nice store put them out of business. They examine each product with the critical eye of a former professional, occasionally muttering 'I used to sell better than this for half the price.'
They're not wrong. They're just processing.
7. The Person Who Brought Their Dog
There's always one. The dog is wearing a bandana. Everyone pets the dog. The dog is having the best day of its life. The person attached to the dog uses the animal as a social lubricant, which is honestly a power move.
The dog does not care about terpene profiles. The dog is simply vibing. We should all be more like the dog.
This is satire, obviously. For actual cannabis info that's actually useful, visit WeedVader.com.